Is Sophia The Father of Moshe's Baby?
Written by Kassie and Tony. Performed in Middle-Schoolers: 'Cause They're A Little Too Young For Me. Cast CM #1: Christina CM #2: Tony CM #3: Carla CM #4: Shannon Sophia: Herself Moshe: Himself Text of the Piece CM #1: Hey, guys! How many kids with ADD does it take to change a lightbulb? CM #2: I don’t know! Moshe: How many, #1? CM #1: ...Let’s go ride bikes! Sophia: Yeah, let’s go! Moshe: Oh, but I can’t. CM #2: Why not? Moshe: Because I’m pregnant! Sophia & CM #2: What? CM #1: Ohmygosh, Moshe, that is so amazing! Moshe: I knoooow! Sophia: Moshe, wait: am I the father? Moshe: I’m just so excited! CM #1: Do you know what it is, yet? Have you thought of names? Sophia: (to CM #2) I have to be the father, right? But – but, I mean, we wear condoms… Moshe: Well, I like Alphonse for a boy, and Froofroobottom for a girl. CM #2: Moshe, this is ridiculous. CM #1: Ohmygosh, shut. UP. Moshe: Thinking of names for my unborn child is ridiculous? CM #2: No. Moshe, you can’t be pregnant. Moshe: Well, I am, so… (shrugs) (enter CM #3 and CM #4) CM #3: What the hell, guys? I thought we were going to ride bikes! CM #1: We can’t anymore. CM #4: Well, why not? CM #1: Moshe’s pregnant! CM #2: No, he isn’t. Sophia: I mean, it’d be hard, right? We use condoms… CM #4: Yeah, but condoms break, so… you know… CM #2: Oh, come on, guys, don’t you think there’s some other reason why Moshe can’t be pregnant? CM #3: I’VE GOT IT! CM #2: Oh? CM #3: Moshe CAN’T be pregnant… CM #2: THANK YOU! CM #3: BECAUSE HE’S ON HIS PERIOD! (insert awkward silence here) CM #2: WHAT?! Moshe: Actually, I haven’t had a period in a couple weeks… CM #3: ...well, shit, maybe he is pregnant! Moshe: And I’ve been really moody. Sophia: It’s true. Last night, he was wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And he told me to use a nerf gun to protect his bedroom from the cat. CM #1: But… but you don’t have– Sophia: I know. We don’t have a cat. CM #1: Psychosis HAS been known to occur during pregnancy. Moshe: It wasn’t psychosis… CM #4: So you’re not pregnant? Moshe: No, I am pregnant! CM #3: So who’s the father? Sophia: It’s me, right? ...Right? (vaguely overlapping lines ensue) CM #2: (pretty much talking to him/herself) Guys. Seriously. Do I have to spell it out for you? CM #1: I don’t think it really matters who the father is, people. CM #2: Apparently, I do. CM #1: All that matters is that there is a little bundle of joy… CM #3: Male or female? Moshe: We don’t know yet! Sophia: (urgently) Who is “we”? Moshe: But we’re making plans… Sophia: Am I included in this WE? CM #1: And this little joy-bundle is living… CM #4: How can you be making plans if you don’t know the sex yet? Moshe: It’s all vague, but the shower is on December 12th. CM #2: It’s like I’m talking to myself… CM #1: This joy-bundle! Is living! In Moshe’s womb– CM #2: HE DOESN’T HAVE A WOMB! CM #4: ...Excuse me? CM #2: MOSHE! DOES NOT HAVE! A WOMB! CM #3: How do you know? CM #2: BECAUSE! HE IS! A MALE! HE DOESN’T HAVE A WOMB! HE CAN’T GET PREGNANT! WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU DIPSHITS?! (another awkward silence goes here) CM #4: Dude… not cool. CM #2: ...Excuse me?! CM #4: Don’t try to oppress Moshe with your fucking gender binary, man! Very highly uncool. CM #2: IT’S NOT A MATTER OF A GENDER BINARY! HE CANNOT. PHYSICALLY. GET PREGNANT! CM #3: Stop hating, dude, just… just go. (CM #2 exits in a huff, grumbling. Continued awkward silence.) Sophia: So… Moshe? ...Do you know the paternity of the baby in question? Moshe: …Hey! Who wants to go swimming? (the other cast members rabble in support of this idea; they and Moshe exit, leaving Sophia behind. She makes a very distressed noise and stomps her foot before exiting in the same direction as CM #2.) Category:Pieces